This COVID 19 pandemic

I have been hiding in my house I would say 90% of the time since last March. I only goto the grocery store, gas station, drive thru bank lanes. I did slip out to the local bar maybe 12 times or so. Also at the bar, only when it was not crowded. Sometimes I think the worst mental injuries are self-inflicted.

During this pandemic and sheltering at home, my anxiety and depression have be bouncing from one extreme to the other. I have to say I had weeks of utter and complete hopelessness. I lost hope in myself, my life, my future. It was a scary couple of weeks. A person with no hope, is a very cold, hallow and empty person. Yes, I have been diagnosed by two different doctors with a certain mental disorder. I rather not name it specifically here. That disorder did not help my mental state over the last half a year practically.

Limiting myself on the news

Two main stories that are very depressing to me (and maybe to billions of others) were the Trump administration, and then the COVID 19 pandemic. Now with Trump’s bullshit coming to an end (finally), that lessens the negative and frustrating news to just the horrible death toll of the virus. It’s completely sad to hear of all the deaths that this virus has caused. Every day, more and more. Also we had his horrible “leader” and the GOP that did nothing about this virus.  In fact they called it a “Democratic Hoax” so deflecting the virus into a partisan issue. Which was faulty. Not to make this a political post, but Trump, his family and the GOP have the blood of dead Americans on their hands.

This is a mental health post

For me, this has been mental torture. 4 years of an incompetent mad man, then this deadly virus. Thankfully Biden won, and I am sure he and his team will hopefully steer the United States out of these dark times. So to me Biden is a bright spot. However me, personally. I fear the future. I fear a lot of things. I fear my parents getting older, me getting older, everything. Crippling fear and anxiety. To be frank, I am honestly not sure how or why  I am “still around”.  My parents keep me going. I help out with them, and that’s what  I focus on now.

The future

Dunno what will be in my future. One thing I fear is  being alone. I have a virtual support system. Maybe a handful of friends. The Germans have a saying, I can type it out in English. “You can count your good friends on one hand”.  I have always been a quality friend, not a quantity friend. In college, I remember my roommate. He would invite anyone out for a night downtown. I always questioned that. Why would you want to  go out with a bunch of people you did not know? I have always been more comfortable in small groups.  I know that man should not fear his future. I do however.

2 replies
  1. Amy Harmon
    Amy Harmon says:

    Thank you for sharing! Really I find it helpful to know not alone. Problem with introverted types (not speaking for you but probably, maybe?) It’s a self perpetual anxiety wheel that Trump IE finding out we live in a society where half the people suck and adding a sci-fi apocalyptic pandemic…well holy fuck I can’t believe we are all not “crazy” mental illnesses are really just nature’s way of having people that are not conformist we don’t fit into the industrial revolution society but unfortunately it’s hard to gain footing in such a world. I’d buy a Wrigley Photo. All the photos are beautiful but that would be what I would be…or a hippie thing. I know real artists don’t take requests I’ve dated enough

    Reply
  2. Chris Trott
    Chris Trott says:

    Amy, thanks for your feedback on my site! I think you are the second person to write a comment on this new format of a site! Trump was bad, I never grew up to intensely plain out hate a person. Loath. Trump sure made me want to hate him. I am sure there are billions of other people in the whole world that are like me.

    I had a mental condition before Trumps regime took over. It worsened now, also with this pandemic. As you can see by my photos, where they were taken, I live for the Summer road trips out West from Chicagoland. I love driving aimlessly, finding photos that not everyone else can get or will take the time to get . I guess I am an artist. I always wanted to be creative. I tried poetry, and other things. But when Adobe Photoshop came out, it had the hooks in me. My work history has been horrid. Most likely due to my Bi-Polar 1. I only lasted at two places for 3 years each.

    Also the jobs I did, I did not want to do. They were all non-creative. I tried to get into the creative field repeatedly, sending out my resume for a long time, never any bites. This website never gets to many comments, but its ok. I watch the traffic of this site on Google Analytics, I see that some people visit.

    Thanks for taking the time to check my site out, and taking the time to leave a comment. With the Wrigley Field photo, hmm If I am up that way, I will take a few nice photos with various lenses for you. Maybe of the front of the field by the neon sign. Take care. – Chris

    Reply

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