Hopelessness

My struggles with the COVID 19 pandemic and my personal struggles.
This COVID 19 pandemic

I have been hiding in my house I would say 90% of the time since last March. I only goto the grocery store, gas station, drive thru bank lanes. I did slip out to the local bar maybe 12 times or so. Also at the bar, only when it was not crowded. Sometimes I think the worst mental injuries are self-inflicted.

During this pandemic and sheltering at home, my anxiety and depression have be bouncing from one extreme to the other. I have to say I had weeks of utter and complete hopelessness. I lost hope in myself, my life, my future. It was a scary couple of weeks. A person with no hope, is a very cold, hallow and empty person. Yes, I have been diagnosed by two different doctors with a certain mental disorder. I rather not name it specifically here. That disorder did not help my mental state over the last half a year practically.

Limiting myself on the news

Two main stories that are very depressing to me (and maybe to billions of others) were the Trump administration, and then the COVID 19 pandemic. Now with Trump’s bullshit coming to an end (finally), that lessens the negative and frustrating news to just the horrible death toll of the virus. It’s completely sad to hear of all the deaths that this virus has caused. Every day, more and more. Also we had his horrible “leader” and the GOP that did nothing about this virus.  In fact they called it a “Democratic Hoax” so deflecting the virus into a partisan issue. Which was faulty. Not to make this a political post, but Trump, his family and the GOP have the blood of dead Americans on their hands.

This is a mental health post

For me, this has been mental torture. 4 years of an incompetent mad man, then this deadly virus. Thankfully Biden won, and I am sure he and his team will hopefully steer the United States out of these dark times. So to me Biden is a bright spot. However me, personally. I fear the future. I fear a lot of things. I fear my parents getting older, me getting older, everything. Crippling fear and anxiety. To be frank, I am honestly not sure how or why  I am “still around”.  My parents keep me going. I help out with them, and that’s what  I focus on now.

The future

Dunno what will be in my future. One thing I fear is  being alone. I have a virtual support system. Maybe a handful of friends. The Germans have a saying, I can type it out in English. “You can count your good friends on one hand”.  I have always been a quality friend, not a quantity friend. In college, I remember my roommate. He would invite anyone out for a night downtown. I always questioned that. Why would you want to  go out with a bunch of people you did not know? I have always been more comfortable in small groups.  I know that man should not fear his future. I do however.

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